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Keeping an Eye on the
Vipers of Vaudeville
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SORRY WE'RE LATE, but the bird-watching bishop has attracted so many nuisance fowl that we found ourselves running like Tippy Hedren for shelter. They're gone now, so here's today's Viper's Den .
THE
SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN?
A
man barely alive.
From the
Opening Narration of the TV Series
About midway through this the second
year after Li’l Danny Dolan’s ill-advised firing of Fr. Hall
and Fr. Ramolla for protesting the abuses at SGG School, we
decided to sharpen our pencils and estimate how much the
real boss of St.
Gertrude’s, viz. Mark
Lotarski, has cost Wee Danny and “The Pen” (and even
“Big Don”) in terms of sheer dollars. When Danny Boy lost
his sense of self-preservation, he not only rid himself of
two men who loved justice, but he brought about the exodus
of many contributors, not only in SW Ohio, but in
The
subject of Lotarski is especially apropos now. A few weeks
ago, Little Danny sent the squinting and blank-faced Lurch
to preach a big-money
sermon in
To
help us determine the real cost of keeping Lotarski and his
family on SGG’s books (as well as on the poor suckers’
backs), we consulted a number of individuals, including a
CPA. We had to do some educated guesswork, because (1) we
don’t have access to SGG pay records and (2) we don’t want
to let Danny see the whole financial picture. (If he did,
he’d be a little bit more than heartsick, and “Big Don”
would turn beet red with fury and resentment at the portion
of those lost dollars that he now cannot claim.) Suffice it
to say that we interviewed a number of people who had or
have direct knowledge, so we’re confident of our numbers.
Indeed, our calculations are on the cautious side.
We
first conferred with the new chapels that formed as a result
of the mass exodus from the SGG cult. Their numbers are very
accurate, but for convenience’ sake we’ve rounded down.
Thus, for the two-year period ending in November
2011, our predictive model shows a net loss of revenue to
SGG-controlled accounts in the amount of $410,000. To that
sum, we add $75,000 per annum, a
ridiculously
conservative estimate of the combined outlay to Lotarski
and his wife, a bookkeeper and teacher at the cult. Thus,
our low-ball, estimated total loss to Danny and his cult
center is $560,000
for the biennium. (Note: this figure does not include
estimates of the collection dollars forfeited as a result of
former SGGers’ joining Immaculate Conception, attending the
SSPX, or leaving the faith altogether. In addition, it does
not reflect estimates of lost tuition revenues to SGG school
because Lotarski’s numerous offspring attend free of charge
at the cult members’ expense, nor is it offset by the
one-time windfall gain that resulted from emptying St.
Clare’s bank account and selling off the church at a
fire-sale price.)
Now,
without taking into consideration growth in membership and
in charitable giving at these new chapels and the consequent
lost opportunity costs to Danny, we can confidently predict
that, in the highly unlikely event that SGG is still
in existence around November 2031, Mark “Steve Austin” Lotarski
will be Little Danny Dolan’s personal
Six Million Dollar
Man. However, as our CPA-friend advised, Murky Mark will
probably achieve this unenviable distinction in far less
time than our linear extrapolation indicates. Here’s her
professional opinion after she studied all the hard,
financial data:
“Based
upon (a) bequests received by and legacies pledged to the
new chapels; (b) the money raised or targeted for the new
chapels’ building and remodeling programs already in the
planning and execution stages; (c) the new chapels’
attracting traditional Catholics who may otherwise have
joined SGG; (d) the canceled or changed testamentary trusts
and life-insurance policies in the name of SGG or its former
satellites; (e) the personal gifts of cash to the principals
[viz., Danny,“The
Pen,” and “Big Don”] for Christmas, Easter, birthdays,
the Bishop’s Fund, MHT,
etc.; (f) the anticipated increase in defections from
SGG as the membership experiences buyer’s remorse; (g) the
foregone interest and investment earnings on redirected
capital; (h) the loss of benefactors for MHT; and (i) the
depletion of the will to support SGG among those who remain
as they retire and/or become more disillusioned by the men
they are supporting, I should think the biennial loss rate
to SGG will double.
I could, therefore, easily forecast an effective $6,000,000
loss to SGG occurring in the biennium of 2019-21.”
Let’s see, then: The years 2019-21 will come
well
before Lotarski
will be eligible to retire and
long
after Danny and “The Pen’s” target date for their
much-hoped-for-but-never-to-be-realized luxury retirement in
the artsy Southwest.
If Wee Dan hasn’t been run out of
Act One
So without further ado, let's start the Vaudeville Show. Folks, it's a jungle out there, and who better to introduce us to the Vipers of Vaudeville than that old serpent himself, and master of cunning, Kaa, from Walt Disney's immortal animated classic, Jungle Book. In a hissing lisp uncannily like the voice of his epissscopal cousin, Bishop Danny Dolan, Kaa employs the same insidious tactics, seeking to lull us into warm and fuzzy feelings before sinking his fangs into our bank account.
Lyrics | The Jungle Book - Trust In Me lyrics
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Keeping An Eye On the
Vipers of Vaudeville